Step two: Continue


 At first glance it was hard to ignore the shaking hand, the piercing blue eyes, the quick twitches but now Katia was just another person in passing. Do not get me wrong there was once a time when her and I were close, almost as if we were one but now, now she was involved-deeply.  I would have never pin pointed her to be the one, but apparently the devil takes anyone.  The devil takes any shape. Holding my cross upon my neck I silently pray for her lost soul as Katia passes through.

Hey you! are you coming to our meeting tonight? We are starting the new testament.”

Looking at me you would never guess that I would belong to a bible study group but with a father who is a pastor religion is hard to ignore.

Of course, Michelle how else would I be able to take note of  God’s existence to rid the school of evolution lessons?”

Laughing we link arms as I turn towards the study hall ready to take on the schools idea of education. Good-bye Katia, I do hope God has not forgotten you.


It is hard to ignore her, so much pressure to be someone who is not anything like me. I am modern, not popular, and very much a computer geek.  However, she is me…they all are.  At first glance no one would suspect anything, head down I am just a blur in the everyday traffic of high school.  I am a number among the crowd. Tomorrow, may be different but for today I am a shadow. I walk the halls in silence, I battle my demons in the dark and I most definitely avoid all conflict. That is why at first I do not notice the attention, I do not notice the mistake leaning against a wall.

Katia, right?”  He inquires with a cocked eyebrow and crooked smile.

Um..yes..t-t-that’s me. Did I do something?”  I murmur.

Haha, of course not I just noticed you were in my English class and I was wondering if you had last weeks homework. Coach says I have to get at least a C to play in the game this weekend. Can you help a guy out?”

” Me?..well I-I-I… I mean no problem, let me just get it from my locker. I will be right back.” I stammered in reply twisting my elastic band around my wrist.

All too quickly I dash towards my locker, head down. No one has ever noticed me…especially for my intelligence. This had to be a joke. Am I falling prey to slick hair and a crooked smile?

Ahh Kitty kat the doubting doubter, can a man not simply want your help. Ha! what a joke you dumb girl he is looking for a quick answer..perhaps a good lay later on.

Brushing her off I fumble with my locker combination. He may just want an easy answer but atleast it is attention, I am not a shadow now. I am a dark shape with the answer.


Step one: gather material

The day started like any other day but ended…

Hand pressed against the frozen window, the chilly air travelled my spin. He was waiting patiently but I knew the answer I held was not the right one. He was the sword in my spine, piercing me with one swift move;watching. Gripping the chairs end I turned, swallowed and replied : “fine.” That was it one four letter word and his crooked smile twitched, frozen pupils moved. The hour was up. Forcing the words of modern society, normal behaviour I thanked him and turned. “He knows your lying..” I knew. Shivering I placed my coat around my shoulders, too lazy to zip it up and closed my eyes in attempt. I had to block it, had to warm the chill that surrounded my soul. “Psst, I’m more then that.” God I knew. Ever since that moment I let it in, my body…my mind has not been mine. Locked in the ocean of eternity I was no where close to fine. Closing my eyes I attempt once again to control it. “You can’t be there, somebody will find out.”

“Silly little Katia always so dramatic”

Unable to breathe I pull the scarf tighter around my throat and silently scream, “no I am fine!” Trying to convince myself my hands wander to yank out what is left of my straw like hair, pain is key.

“tsk tsk kat, I wouldn’t have done that people talk.”

I screamed oblivious to the lights surrounding me.

It was all a game. Stepping into traffic I knew. Watching the car lights invade any sense of personal space I knew.

“game on kit kat, your roll…”

Head spinning I look up at my fate, smoking underside I knew. Unable to control my breathing or feel my leg I begin to scream inside my head unsure of what has happened. Stay calm I hear, the ambulance is on its way….

Today was different.

Waking up, head against my desk, the fan air on my neck I scan. Another question,one with no answer I swallow hard and reply : “can you repeat that please.” Innocent enough in a not so saintly way. Buzzing,my ears are blocked, head spinning.

“You don’t think they notice kitty?! Oh they notice, poor little kitty lost her mittens…”

“Her name was Mitzy”

“quiet now! Someone is looking your way”

Heart beat raising I look around. I knew. This game was not new. There she was staring at me again, judging my moves, my breathing. I knew that she was and I wanted to stop her, wanted to grab her platinum blonde hair and tie her from the metal flag pole. Watch her spark as lightening flashes. I love thunderstorms.


She is whispering now, giggling to the others. I know how to function, I am not losing control.


Slamming my hand on the desk, I am directed away. Punished for what clearly is not me. Freak! They holler. Isolated, alone, TRAPPED I whisper.

“Now Katia this is your third time in my office this week. I am going to have to alert your parents.”


“yes sir, I know (I did know) I forgot to take my medication my leg has been in pain all day. Please just let me go to the nurses station.”

Grabbing his tie, twisting it until he turns purple. Until he squeals.

“Very well Ms. Trint, but this is your last warning.”

I knew that too.

Rolling my tongue down from my top gums I await the glass bulb to tell me the future. I look fine she quotes. I feel dizzy. Abnormal. Its my move and I have drowned.

“Drowned?!?! oh Kat, the diva act is so old, you are simply bored. Lets play another game. This one for prizes?!”

Scratching at my fingernail, I scan my surroundings once more. Lean on my good leg and glare at the fine print. Something must work in here. It has too.

Just a little Codeine in her coffee the old HAG deserves it. Your not fine, you have lost it. Everybody knows it and they laugh cold hearted hellish laughs at you. Just cut it open. POUR!

“Anything else Katia?”

“Um.. no sorry I just needed to lie down for a bit I think.”

Half limping off the bed I slip away from the medicine into the cold hallways of highschool. I knew. They laughed. Hell just got alot younger.